From Sherlock Holmes Esq to Dr J Watson:
Watson – I have just become aware of your intention to open said package (do not ask how I am privy to such information..That is filed under the Heading – “Classified”…) – I cannot believe you are contemplating defying my warning! Really, your pig-headedness knows no bounds…. I am On My Way…
SH.
From Dr Watson to Sherlock Holmes Esq:
Holmes,
I had assumed when you instructed me to not open the item I discovered on my dining room table that you were actually on your way here to take command etc. However, as you presumably are aware, you are not here. It has been two days now and I’m wondering if I should just open the damn thing.
Have to say I’m a little peeved.
yours, peevishly
Watson
From Sherlock Holmes Esq to Dr J Watson:
Watson – I need you to do one small thing before we meet next; you will find a package awaiting when you eventually find your way homewards – on no account open said item; control your natural and inherent curiosity by any means possible – visit Mrs Wetherbucket’s Academy for Wayward Young Ladies if you have to, but Do Not – I repeat DO NOT, even infinitesimally, open what you find sitting on your dining-room table.
Your life depends on your carrying out this simple instruction. I hope to find you hale and hearty when we renew our friendship.
SH.
From Dr Watson to Sherlock Holmes Esq:
(Via telegraph to Baker Street)
Dear Holmes
I take it you’ve been at the port wine again? You know, it would be nice if for once you could actually tell me where you are – I can barely recall the last time I set eyes on you and even then your own eyes were firmly fixed on the voluptuous bosom of Mrs Ness to the point of considerable distraction.
I should be pleased to receive your next missive and I trust you will not only enlighten me as to your recent experiences, but will reassure me as to your whereabouts? (I’d like to think you’d managed to find yuor way home by now).
On another note, as I’m sure you’ve read in The Times, the real Doctor Crippen and his lover Ethel Le Neve have finally been arrested. I’m rather embarrassed to admit that they turned out to be the very pair I sat next to at the captain’s table several nights ago – no doubt you will regale me with all completely obvious reasons why I should have recognised them and blah blah blah…
We shall be docking at Southampton tomorrow so I hope I can expect to see you back at Baker Street in a few days?
Yours
Somewhat begrudgingly
Watson
From Sherlock Holmes Esq to Dr J Watson:
(Via carrier pigeon to the SS Montrose)
Watson – you cannot imagine the relief with which I am able to address my old friend in the pure, clean light of day – well, perhaps not pure and clean, but I’m sure you can appreciate the sentiment…I was beginning to believe that I would never again be in a position to do so; that never again would I feel the rain on my face, the gentle breeze, or even a howling gale battering my well-clad form, see and hear the denizens of our bustling streets, which up until now, I do believe I have taken for granted, and at times regarded with annoyance, or at best, mild irritation. Never again will I do so – or at least until this overpowering feeling of pure euphoria subsides.
I expect you will be wondering what the dickens – how Is the splendid fellow?! – I am wittering on about; you will be assuming I have been lost to the world in a drug-induced swoon, or have been interfering with your Medical Supplies again… Far from it – where I have been you would never have believed in your wildest dreams – you would assume I had entered the realms of Fantasy peddled by the likes of Coleridge and his ilk – the Opium Dreams of the Eaters and Scribblers…
Perhaps it is best I start at the Beginning….
SH
From Dr Watson to Sherlock Holmes Esq:
I am writing this from aboard the steamer the SS Montrose, as stated in my previous missive. Naturally I’m disappointed that you didn’t feel up to accompanying me, but nevertheless I have made some progress.
Saturday
On boarding the steamer, I made contact with the Captain and ascertained that the couple he believes are masquerading as Doctor Hawley Crippen and Ethel Le Neve are in a fact a popular music-hall act known as The Krankies, which consist of a simpleton and his comedian wife (who, for reasons best known to herself, dresses as a boy). I have spent several evenings in their company and have to admit that they are quite entertaining, though a little slap-stick in their approach to entertainment, however, the main point, of course, is that they are definitely not the aforementioned villain and his mistress.
The captain was a little embarrassed at this error of judgement (since I would not have made the voyage otherwise) and has transferred me, at no expense to myself, to a first class cabin for the remainder of the voyage.
Wednesday
I met an interesting man last evening at the captain’s table. We were speaking of the reasons behind my being on board and he thought this quite amusing, as he himself has apparently also been “identified” by other passengers as Crippen! I did point out to him that he does wear a moustache, glasses and a bowler hat (similar to the police’s wanted poster) but even so, he is quite clearly not the fellow they are pursuing. His companion, an admirable boy, regaled me of several popular songs in a wonderful imitation of that music-hall star Lillie Langtry (in fact I had almost convinced myself that the fellow was a woman!)
Friday
I intend to spend a few days catching up on my journal, so will send this off forthwith and will write again when I arrive in Canada.
NB
You will note that I have not entertained your drivel concerning my wife.
I trust you are well,
Yours Watson
From Sherlock Holmes Esq to Dr J Watson
My dear Watson – I must offer you my sincerest apologies as to my lack of communication this past while; I confess I am dealing with several pressing and somewhat trying personal issues, and have not wished to burden you with these matters, attempting to deal with them in my usual fashion and according to tried and tested methods. Whether this timeworn path will lead to a satisfactory conclusion is anyone’s guess.
However I do have some thoughts on your communication, which I will divulge to your good self in due course. I do not intend to convey a sense of obfuscating mystery here – I am simply not at my best at the present moment, and would not wish to muddy the already murky waters with shoddy suppositions and observations. I trust Mrs Watson is taking good care of your personal requirements, or has she done one of her periodic disappearing-acts? – I only ask as I heard tell of some entertaining goings-on at one of the local Watering-holes, the descriptions of which appeared to mirror Mrs W.’s M.O. somewhat…
If I have spoken out of turn, I apologise once again.
Your friend, SH.
From Dr Watson to Sherlock Holmes Esq:
The Los Angels Hilton, California
My dear Holmes
The messenger called this morning to let me know that, yet again, you have declined my dinner invitation in lieu of that of the Family Ness. Had I not known you better, Holmes, I should imagine that the object of your attention to be Mr Ness’s lovely wife and that you are somehow attempting to woo her with your vast knowledge of tobacco varieties, or some such tosh. (I trust we are not to witness another one of your “lost weekend” scenarios when you will eventually turn up somewhat the worse for wear and sporting several unsportsman-like venereal diseases?)
No matter, given your apparent lack of interest in this investigation I have taken it upon myself to examine a few theories of my own:
1. As the Black Dahlia’s (Elizabeth Short’s) severely mutilated body was completely drained of blood, I have been looking at the possibility of a similar scenario to that adventure of ours known as The Vampire Who Went Down to Sussex and Came Back Again.
2. Another hypothesis is that our old rival “Jack the Ripper” has re-emerged here in Los Angeles to continue his reign of terror. My reasoning for this is the nature of the multiple cuts on Short’s thigh and breasts, where entire portions of flesh had been removed. In addition, the body had been washed and moved into a specific pose, so that her hands were over her head, elbows bent at right angles, and her legs spread-eagled.
3. Finally, the look of sheer terror on the victim’s face could be due to another of our old adversaries, “The Phantom Raspberry Blower of Old London Town” (who obviously would also have moved to Los Angeles to continue his reign of terror, etc etc).
If you can pick holes in any of these, my friend, please do, as any input from you whatsoever would be nice. Seriously, old bean, this case is driving me mad – if you could shed a morsel of light on the shed door after the horse has bolted, sort of thing (yes I know, I’m mixing my metaphors again), I’d be eternally grateful.
Yours hopefully
Watson.
From Dr Watson to Sherlock Holmes Esq:
The Los Angels Hilton, California
My Dear Holmes
I am sending this note care of Elliot Ness, as I presume you have already inveigled yourself into his wife’s good books and are staying over for a second night. I miss you of course, as my scant knowledge of the Black Dahlia case could do with some refreshment. I trust your initial meeting with Mr Ness was fruitful and unearthed those vital clues that you and I so adore?
My own mission to speak with that baron of industry, Mr Randolph Hearst, unfortunately shed little light on our investigation. Hearst is a hearty fellow with a fine sense of humour (though some of his Americanisms were lost on me). He took me to dinner and then insisted we play a few rounds of golf before heading over to his mansion, the Casa del Mar, which is as huge a house as I have ever seen.
Though Hearst was an amiable host, he could only recount the rampant fairy-tales his newspaper has promoted as if they were the facts of the case, which clearly they are not. Sensationalism at its worst, I fear.
I am shortly going to head over to meet the family of Major Matthew Michael Gordon, Jr., who I understand was engaged to the victim. I doubt they can add anything to the mystery though, as they appear to have “closed ranks” on the whole thing.
Perhaps I may see you at dinner this evening?
Yours, Watson
From Sherlock Holmes Esq to Dr J Watson
Watson – Apologies for my absence, but as you read this, I will be sharing anecdotes and tales of derring-do with a pleasant young gentleman named Fogg, who is conveying me above the hurly-burly, up, up and away in his rather fine contraption, powered solely by hot air…(why has a vision resembling your good self suddenly popped into my head?) That aside, he has reassured me that it will be quite a simple matter to deposit me at our rendezvous chez Mr Ness.
Mr Fogg is attempting to circumnavigate the globe in a mere 80 days; incredible as this may seem, he has the air of a man who has already achieved this objective, and his confidence and enthusiasm is infectious, therefore I will see you before too long.
Incidentally, Mrs Hudson was prevented from rustling up her famous crumpets for your visit, due to an urgent summons regarding an ailing relative, which causes me to wonder what was slipped in to your orifice.
SH.
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