From Dr Watson to Sherlock Holmes Esq:
Considering the dire warnings you delivered regarding the package on my living room table, I am somewhat perturbed that you appear to have completely forgotten the fact that you were supposedly “on your way” to my abode to (presumably) deal with the situation! The last few days might have been considerably less traumatic for me had you actually bothered to appear. As it is, I have been involved in a living nightmare!!!
The details (just so you might appreciate my distress when you do eventually arrive here) are thus:
Having received your dire warning, I naturally retreated to the Water Closet for safety until you arrived. When the doorbell rang, I naturally supposed it was your good self, so was rather taken aback when two Eastern European villains barged into my house and bundled me into a sack. I spent the next several hours being bumped around hither and thither as they loaded me onto some sort of cart, which then delivered me onto what I later discovered was a cargo ship bound for Kurdistan.
It was only my own sense of survival that had prompted me to tuck my trusty service revolver into my undergarments before retreating to the toilet that allowed me to eventually escape my captors at gunpoint. I then managed to persuade the Captain (one Seamus O’Plopp) that he had been wrongly commissioned by a bunch of crooks and persuaded that I was some sort of serial killer who had to be transported back to my own country for trial and execution! To cut a very long story rather short (I will reveal the sordid details later), I and the Captain managed to overpower the gang and turn the ship around.
Lestrade thankfully took the miscreants into custody (I’m surprised you didn’t hear of the matter from the desk sergeant) and also managed to inveigle his way into their plans, which apparently were to kidnap and murder the infamous English detective Sherlock Holmes! I think perhaps we had better look into this matter a little further, as it bears the hallmarks of our old adversary Professor Moriarty.
I look forward to seeing you and accepting your apology, and am especially looking forward to your dealing with the apparently dangerous package that is still sitting on my living room table…