Not Really in the Belly of the Beast…

14 Feb

From Dr Watson to Sherlock Holmes Esq:

Dear Holmes

No doubt you are sitting at your window in Baker Street reading an account of my ‘adventures’ as penned by some idiot journalist, and laughing your diamond-patterned socks off at this very minute. Well, I would call you an absolute boundah, cad and scoundrel of the first degree if I was the sort of chap to do that. But I’m not, so I won’t. However, I do think you might have troubled yourself a little to let me know what was actually going on and saved me the embarrassment of recent days.

As you know, the ‘kidnapped’ scenario with my so-called friend Stevenson, was in fact nothing of the sort, but an ill-fashioned attempt by Stevenson himself and those people at Charter Film Productions to knock together some sort of ridiculous adventure featuring the infamous Sherlock Holmes and his rather stupid friend, Doctor Watson. Well, perhaps we both could have had a laugh about it if we’d both known. As it happens, I knew nothing until one of the stage hands employed to ‘shoogle’ the ‘boat’, happened to mistake his footing and fall through the scenery which gave the game away somewhat.

Stevenson, of course was very apologetic and admitted immediately to his part in the proceedings (writing what he likes to call the script) and I was then invited to spent some considerable time with those boundahs the Boulting Brothers (Roy and Johnny) in an attempt to work out how to ‘make good’ their appalling behaviour.

Well, Holmes, it might interest you to know, as you sit in your socks, smirking at my apparent stupidity, that Messrs Roy and John have actually given Stevenson the boot and offered me an interesting position as a consulting screen writer in the production of a series of adventure films based on the Adventures of Sherlock Holmes (you may have heard of it – a reasonably successful booklet I penned based on our own exploits). The films are to feature two of the team’s regular actors to play you and I: the rather lovely John Le Mesurier is to play me and the extraordinarily polite Ian Carmichael is taking the role of your good self. I think they will do rather well, don’t you?

So, Holmes, I do hope your smirk has vanished as I sit here drinking excellent tea at the Cafe Royal and sharing Jammy Dodgers with Terry Thomas (Moriarty), Dennis Price (Lestrade) and Irene Handl (Mrs Hudson). I expect The Times will shortly be running my new column detailing my work with the studio – you may find it interesting.

If you should care to call on me later today, I expect to be home sometime after ten this evening, as Mrs Watson and I are attending the premier of the Boulting’s latest offering – I’m Alright Jack. (I expect Peter Sellers will want to spend some time chatting with me about his next project…)


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Posted by on February 14, 2014 in Detective Fiction


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