From Sherlock Holmes Esq to Dr J Watson:

Watson – I shall attempt to continue my narrative…

Mrs Hudson has made sure I cannot strain any part of my anatomy by having me lie on the Steamer chair with various segments of my form firmly bound and strapped to said device…..it does pose problems when the call of Nature strikes, but she has rigged up a nifty contraption consisting of milk bottles and builders’ tape, thus ensuring that I need not stray from my resting-place. To continue…

I saw the gargantuan piece of machinery, belching and issuing jets of steam, emitting a ghastly cacophony of grunts, gasps and groans at irregular intervals; I saw the elation and unalloyed bestial excitement on the faces of The Brothers, as they cackled and jeered, taunting me with primitive thrusts and grinds of their pelvic areas……their features contorted with manic bursts of endorphine-releasing movement, they pranced and circled me, working themselves in to a frenzy of emotional release; I concentrated on keeping my mind in the still centre, refusing to be affected by their orgasmic vibrations; I employed every teaching of my Buddhist acquaintances, silently repeating a Healing Mantra…

Eventually, they wound down their rituals –  “Well, Mr Holmes, are you ready to die??” – the non- bespectacled one spat out, his deranged features mere sixteenth-of- an-inch from my own immobile mask…..” Eddie and I have imagined this scenario umpteen times, as we sat with Dave Hedgehog and the Fat One , over delicious home-cooked meals and home-brewed beverages, dreaming of the day we had you helpless and hatless chez nous…..” .

I drew a breath, slowly and carefully, and prepared to utter perhaps my very last words…….when suddenly, a loud crashing issued from the next room, and to my utter amazement but astounding relief, there stood in the doorway, a figure, etched forever on my retinas – it was none other than Master Douglas himself, proprietor and chief Analyst at his renowned Institution…..I vowed to hence forward forever hold him in my Supreme Estimation.

To be Continued