Sidetracked and Legless…

12 Apr

from Dr J Watson to Sherlock Holmes Esq:

From the diary of Doctor Watson

NB I have included this missive from my companion as it has some bearing on the case I am presently transcribing, though as usual, Holmes has embroidered the facts rather more than even I would have done…

Delivered by hand to Drumnadrochit police station (again, an embellishment, as the aforementioned structure is little more than a shepherd’s hut on the outskirts of the village).

Watson ,

I trust you are suffering a high level of pain and remorse following your ill-considered night of what can only be described as a foolhardy loss of sense and elevated propensity towards hedonism and debauchery; in your favour, it was most out of  character, especially with your recent adherence to The Temperance Movement…(though the attractive lines and charming demeanour of its Lady Chairperson may well have played rather a large part in your frequent attendance at its meetings…); be that as it may, I must admit to a degree of surprise at the alacrity with which you accepted  the Invitation tendered by the local Fish Farm Workers’ Union, to see round their Place of Labour and  inspect its workings… I had no idea you were remotely interested in such things…you always expressed mild disgust at the stench issuing from Billingsgate Market and similar set-ups, avoiding the Stalls bearing various denizens of The Deep and passing your handkerchief around your nose whenever our Path crossed a Fishmonger’s Establishment  –  you even requested a clothes-peg  on visiting 221B and finding Mrs Hudson preparing a member of the Piscine family for our Evening Meal…This sudden change of heart on your part even caused me to wonder whether I was accompanied by the Real Doctor Watson, or whether Professor Moriarty had succeeded in finally creating that, about which he has always dropped hints  –  a Doppelganger – virtually indistinguishable from the Original –  born from an Evil Intelligence and use of The Black Arts…truly The Stuff of Nightmares…but I digress.

Surely you must have had an inkling of what was in store for you when you observed the enormous bottles of Spirits and Comedy Stuffed Genitals poking from the Panniers and Crates carried by the Sheep accompanying the local worthies, as they issued their Invitation – that played a large part in my own refusal to take up their Offer. However, I will not add insult to Injury and rub salt in your wounds (though I believe you already had the pleasure of that experience, if Local Gossip can be believed. I overheard two Worthies discussing your Involvement, and gleaned this snippet, between their guffaws and sniggers at the Bar of the “Beastie’s Bollocks” earlier this evening). Your Streak through the Townswomen’s Guild’s Annual Crowdie and Cranach Night fairly caused a Commotion with some members requiring the application of Smelling Salts and others causing a Riot in their attempts to gain closer inspection.

The Final Straw came when you attempted to relieve yourself in the corner of the Public Lounge of “The Mannie’s Chunter”, believing yourself to be in the Rest Room. The Local Constabulary were alerted, and you ended your evening  lying on a pile of straw in the Overspill Cell with your head in a bucket (or more accurately, a Fish-Box, breathing in the aromas of its previous incumbents…though by that point you were insensate and more or less unconscious).

I will be round to collect you in due course.


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Posted by on April 12, 2015 in Uncategorized


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