To Sherlock Holmes Esq from Doctor Watson
(By Carrier Pigeon)
Forgive the overindulgence of exclamatory marks, but I am in gravest peril. Your telegram arrived the other morning as I was setting out to meet with Mister Humanfuc as agreed, but I regret to say I stuffed the message in my pocket thinking I could peruse it later.
What a fool I was, Holmes – what a fool!
Mister Humanfuc is an imposter. Or rather, he is pretending to be something he definitely is not. On my arrival at No 1A, Hangman’s Lane, I was struck by the odd way the street sign appeared to be written on a piece cardboard and attached to the wall by a nail. The cabbie who dropped me at the end of a row of derelict houses, told me I was at the right place, but then he gave a rather bizarre cackle that sent an absolute chill up my spine.
No doubt you, Holmes, would have registered some alarm at this juncture, but allowing that Mrs Watson and I indulged in a larger-than-usual helping of sexual shenanigans the evening before, I was perhaps a little ‘giddy’ as a result and consequently ignored what should have been an obvious warning.
Mister Humanfuc (or Fu Manchu, as you have presumably guessed) welcomed me into his ‘humble’ abode and immediately pushed me down a flight of steps into what I can only describe as a particularly hideous shithole. I must have banged my head, for I have only in this last hour awoken to find myself in this dire circumstance. Luckily, after I had (finally) got around to reading your note and recognising (at last!) what a total prick I’ve been, I happened to notice the small barred window high up on the wall of this vile place. And there to my surprise, was Billy – your much-loved pigeon. I could hardly believe it and did wonder if you yourself had sent him to my aid (though I could not imagine how he could have found me).
There is of course no glass in the window and so it was with great happiness (relatively speaking) that I began to entice the bird into my prison and scribbled this note on a piece of rag. I trust Billy will make it back to Baker Street without incident.
(I noticed there was a small camera attached to Billy’s neck so I hope he has been able to photograph the area around my prison).
With some concern