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Monthly Archives: December 2021

Where Art Thou, Mary Watson?

Diary of Doctor Watson

I arrived at the Olde Gin Shoppe on Drury Lane just as the gas lamps were coming on. A queue of punters had gathered outside the theatre next door, so creeping along the opposite side of the street, I took care to be sure of slipping into the shop unnoticed. Once inside, I looked around. Dusty shelves lined the gloomy interior, each boasting hundreds of bottles of the aforementioned beverage in sizes and colours enough to boggle the imagination. A noise caught my attention. Turning towards the counter, I saw a curtain sweep aside as the shopkeeper appeared, fat fingers clasped across his generous stomach.

“Doctor Watson, I presume?” he murmured.

A little put out that my costume hadn’t fooled him, I gave a brisk nod and followed his directions through a door in the corner and up a flight of stairs to the upper floor.

“Seems my disguise isn’t quite as good as I thought,” I said, closing the door behind me.

Holmes leaned an elbow on the mantelpiece, his meerschaum clamped between thin lips. He gave me a sardonic smile. “Not the fault of your disguise, Watson, simply a result of my having informed our host to look out for a man with a wooden leg and a twitch.”

“A twitch?” I said.

Holmes nodded. “Yes—every time you step on the false leg, your face performs an unintentional spasm, possibly due to the sharp pain exerted from the leather straps holding your appendage in place.”

“Huh. You’d have a bloody twitch too if your nuts had got caught up in this contraption.” Dropping my trousers, I unfastened the false leg, adjusted my marital equipment, and loosened the belt holding my right foot in place against my upper thigh.

It was only after I’d refastened my trousers and seated myself on a chair by the fire that I took stock of my surroundings.

“Where’s Mary? Shouldn’t she be here by now?”

Holmes and Lestrade exchanged a look.

“I know she meant ter take the shortest route,” said the inspector. “Ought to ‘ave been ere before all of us.”

I looked at Holmes.

He sniffed. “Mary’s a sensible woman. I can’t imagine she simply wandered off to do a bit of shopping.”

“What’re you saying, Holmes?”

“I’m saying, Doctor, that in all likelihood, Mary has been taken.”

My lower lip began to quiver. “You mean…you mean, she’s been taken by Blackwood?”

“It’s the only reasonable possibility.” Producing a small pocket-knife, he proceeded to clean out his pipe.

“My God, man, that’s unthinkable. Christ knows what he might do to her.”

Holmes held up a hand. “Until we have further news, I suggest we stay calm. There’s no use speculating.”

“And where might this further news come from?” I said, making no effort to conceal my anger.

The Great Detective cocked his head to one side and looked at the door. “Hark,” he muttered. “I hear the patter of urchin feet.”

A moment later, a knock came at the door and a ruddy face peered in.

“Scuse me Mr Olmes,” said the boy, stepping into the room. “Oi reckon Oi might ‘ave a bit of news for yer.”

“Come in, come in, dear boy.” He waved the lad into a seat by the fire. “Hopkins, isn’t it?”

The boy nodded. “It is, sir. Tommy Hopkins.”

“And pray what data morsels have you to impart to this anticipatory gathering?”

The boy frowned. “Yer what?”

Holmes laughed. “I’m asking you to tell us what you know.”

“Oh. Right.” He rubbed his mucky hands together, warming them at the fire. “Well, first off, we ain’t found anyfing about that Blackwood feller—seems like he must’ve disappeared inter thin air.”

Holmes nodded. “I see. And what else?”

“Well, I reckon yous are missing someone, ain’t yer?”

“We are, as if happens. Go on.” Turning, he stared at his own reflection in the mirror over the mantelpiece, then lit his pipe with a Swan Vesta and puffed blue-grey smoke into the room.

“Seems a certain gen’leman as been seen bundlin a lady answering Mrs Watson’s description into a Hackney cab not an hour since.”

“You wouldn’t happen to know who this gentleman might be?” said Holmes, leaning towards the boy.

The youngster grinned. “Course Oi would. Know that fucker anywhere. Oh, pardon my French, Mr Olmes. No, yer see, he has what you yourself, sir, would call a military bearing and wears this long coat to conceal his weapon.”

Holmes stared at the floor for a moment, brow furrowed in thought. “A military man, you say, and carrying a weapon beneath a long coat…” Then with a shout of annoyance, his head jerked up, his eyes bright. “Not an air rifle?”

“That’s the one, sir. The very one used in the murder of Ronald Adair…” The lad glanced at me with an admiring smile. “The one Dr Watson wrote about in the—”

“Yes, yes, we know all about that, said Holmes, waving a hand. “So Mary has been taken by our old friend Colonel Moran, who apparently, is no longer a prisoner at her majesty’s pleasure. Tell me—where did the cab go?”

The lad leaned forwards. “Oi instructed one of the boys to run after it, but he lorst sight of the cab approaching Russell Square.”

Holmes thanked the boy and sent him on his way with a shilling for his trouble.

I glanced at Lestrade. “Ring any bells, Inspector?”

The weasel-faced cop shook his head. “Not off ‘and. Ain’t the sort of area where your ordinary villain is likely ter ‘ang about.”

Holmes began to stuff his meerschaum with a bit of hard shag, his piggy little eyes staring into space. After a moment, he looked at me.

“Watson, where might a former soldier and big-game hunter go for a bite to eat following the execution of a successful plan?”

“A big-game hunter?” said I. “Well…” I blinked, and then it hit me. “Of course! The Tropical Café—the haunt of explorers, adventurers and not a few well-heeled villains.”
“Which is where?” said Holmes with a smile.

I held up a triumphant finger. “Russell Square.”

“Which means,” said Holmes, blowing a cloud of smoke at me, “that our quarry may well have stashed Mary in some nearby bolthole.”

“Then we must go,” I said, jumping to my feet.

Holmes went to the window and, keeping well behind the curtain, peered down into the street below. “It’s getting dark. Another hour or so and it should be safe to venture out.”

“But what about Mary?” I protested. “She could be—”

“Yes, yes, Watson. I’m aware of your concerns but there would be no merit in walking straight into the hands of our enemies.”

I sank down onto a chair, dropping my head into my hands.

Holmes crossed the room and patted my shoulder. “We have one thing in our favour, old friend.”

I looked up at him. “We have?”

“Colonel Moran was in the army with Lord Blackwood. As I recall, Blackwood had him horsewhipped for fornicating with Blackwood’s own mistress. The pair hate each other’s guts. Which means it’s unlikely the two are now working together.”

“What d’you mean, Holmes?”

“I mean, Doctor, that it may be, whether Moran knows it or not, that we and he are working towards the same conclusion—the downfall of Lord Blackwood.”

While this possibility did not exactly fill me with hope, it did give me pause to consider Mary’s situation might not be as perilous as I’d thought.

Naturally, I was wrong.

 
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Posted by on December 19, 2021 in Detective Fiction

 

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‘Old Friends and Other Villains’

Diary of Mary Watson (Mrs)

Holmes had warned us to be vigilant in our journeys to Drury Lane, so I took a roundabout route, cutting along Great Russell Street, into Adeline Place and along Bedford Avenue, bringing me out at the British Museum. Then, crossing into a narrow lane which I knew would take me into Streatham Street, I ran headlong into an old friend.

“Ooh, you’re a tasty bit ‘o stuff, ain’t yer, my girl,” he gushed, beery breath belching into my face. “Why not come back wiv me ter my place and I’ll show yer what I keeps in me trousers?”

I had a mind to reveal my identity to the artful Mr Sikes, knowing he’d shit his pants on realising his indiscretion, but given his inebriated condition, he might well blab about the encounter in the nearest boozer. With Blackwood’s men everywhere, it wasn’t worth the risk.

“Well then, me dearie?” he muttered, grabbing my wrist. “What’s it to be?”  As he endeavoured to pull me into a drunken embrace, I brought my knee up, swiftly crushing his enthusiasm and leaving the poor man clutching damaged goods.

Scurrying past the midday crowds, I ducked into another lane around the back to The Old Crown and then turned right.

If I’d taken a minute to assess my surroundings, I might have avoided my next encounter, but instead, I pushed on, forcing my way through a group of workmen who’d stopped to help an old man who’d tripped over a dog. As I stepped aside to avoid the group, I caught my skirt on the broken-down cart, pulling it up and giving all and sundry an eyeful of my bare legs. One of the men moved away from the others and, placing himself in my path, grabbed hold of my shawl.

“I’d know those pins anywhere,” he said, pulling me closer.

Looking up into his face, I heard myself gasp. “Oh, shit…”

“Oh, shit indeed,” said the newcomer. “I reckon you’d better come along with me.”

As he tried to drag me away from the crowd, I allowed my legs to give way, dropping to the ground.

Bending over me, he brought his bearded face down to my level. Holding out his free hand, he carefully angled his wrist away, revealing the barrel of a pistol. The weapon had been strapped to his arm, no doubt fitted with a quick-fire mechanism that could do a lot of damage with a simple flick of the wrist.

“Do as you’re told, Mary Watson, cos I’d be more than happy to blow your bloody face off.”

I gave him a brief nod. Colonel Sebastian Moran had a reputation as a crack shot. This wasn’t the time for bravery.

Moments later, we were striding off in the opposite direction to my intended destination. Whatever Moran’s intentions, I had to get away, but a niggling doubt sprang into my head—what if this were no accidental encounter?

As we reached the next corner, Moran nodded to a waiting cabbie and the Hackney manoeuvred across the street. The door opened and—as if I needed any further surprises—another familiar face looked out.

“We meet again, Mrs Wonky-Eye Watson,” said the woman.

A sinking sensation churned my stomach, but I had no intention of allowing anyone to see how scared I felt. “Still got a face like a prolapsed anus, then?”

Formerly of the Ullswater Institute for the Utterly Indisposed and more recently seen during our adventure on Huge Island, Mathilda Ratched glared at Moran. “How does she know about my anus?”

Moran rolled his eyes. “She’s teasing you, Maudie. Ignore her and think about all the lovely things you’ll be able to do when she’s tied to the rack, stark naked and ripe for…” He winked at me. “Well, ripe for all sorts.”

The vile pair cackled in unison and were still laughing as the cab juddered into motion and set off towards whatever horrible fate awaited me.

 
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Posted by on December 9, 2021 in Detective Fiction

 

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