From Dr Watson to Sherlock Holmes Esq:
Glad to hear you are back to normal, Holmes – you do seem to have encountered a series of unfortunate events recently. Here’s hoping we can shortly resume our normal activities
Also, apologies for not replying last evening – Mrs Watson had me in a rather vulnerable situation for most of the night and refused to cease her exploratory activities even though I shouted, nay – screamed, our agreed safeword (unicorn) for several hours. Eventually, she recalled that we had in fact changed the word from our previous phrase (No, Please Sherlock!) as it proved too long to say with a gag in one’s mouth.
Anyway, I am now recovered from the ordeal and the focal point of my wife’s actions has now returned to its normal function, so I shall pop round to Baker Street this morning. I trust Mrs Hudson’s tasty bites have not all been gobbled up?
By the by, I do have a bit of news concerning what was to have been our engagement with Charles Condomine and his recent apparition: it seems that the poor fellow was killed in a freak accident when his car ran off the bridge near his house. Madame Arcati called me just now to say she believes the spirits of his dead wives (two of them, apparently) may have colluded in arranging some defect with his car, but quite frankly, I think the woman has finally lost the few remaining marbles she may have had.
My scribblings on the case so far are hardly enough to warrant one of my usual articles in The Strand, so I thought I might pass my notes on to that old wag Coward – I bumped into him the other day and he declared that he ‘could derive more dramatic action, dear chap, from a wet phart in a pissing contest than anything I’ve penned all fucking year’. Perhaps he’ll be able to turn it into one of those stage plays he used to be famous for…
Needless to say, we no longer have a case to investigate, so we can perhaps relax for a few days until something new comes up.
I’ll send a boy round with this and will join you shortly.